Night Court

It's crawling with Bugs.

With a yawn that can launch a thousand ships, when Bug is a little sleepy it never goes unnoticed. Lately, Bug has been extra exhausted during the day which I attributed to extra bouncy walks but a quick snoop on Bug’s laptop led me down a completely different road.

I’ll back up a few weeks. On a flight recently I got the chance to rewatch Legally Blonde and I wanted to slap myself across the face for having never shown Bug what was sure to be her new favorite film. When I got back to New York I put it on for her, mentioning the way I remind me of Elle and she’s of course the Bruiser. She then actually slapped me across the face and set the record straight, she’s the Elle. Neither of us knew the the events this would set in motion.

Back to last week. I asked Bug why she’d been so tired lately. She first accused me of calling her ugly but we both know no one would ever do that, and she admitted she actually has been pretty tired. At first she was afraid to tell me the truth but she invited me into her office for a heart to heart.

Bug got very serious and told me that she’s in deep with a new business venture that, like many of her business ventures, is not above board. After watching Legally Blonde she started telling dogs at the park that she was a lawyer and one of them reached out for help with a case. Greenpoint dogs can be extremely litigious and many have air tight contracts with their families ensuring either a certain number of walks or a guaranteed step count per day, they also usually lock in meal times and are entitled to enormous payouts if dinner is 90-120 seconds late.

The problem here is that word spread quickly and by the end of the day Bug had a full roster of clients, and no law degree. At first she considered just going back to school and becoming a lawyer to cover her tracks but she actually hates paperwork when its not a fat stack of invoices from her other creative pursuits. The next day at the park Bug avoided eye contact with anyone while they asked for status updates on their pending contracts.

After weeks of losing sleep from both anxiety and endless client meetings with dogs who thought they were filing lawsuits with a bar certified lawyer, Bug had an epiphany. She found a local law firm hiring a paralegal and applied for the gig. Of course with her wit and charm they asked her to start the next day so when she showed up for work, she was able to slip all of the case files for the dogs she had lied to into the actual lawyers’ paperwork piles.

The next day at the park she told all the dogs she’d been working with that her firm had been acquired and because she was rich now, she was taking some time off and they could reach out to the new fellas for questions about their drama. Now, I do have to buy Bug a Prada backpack because she told me it makes no sense for a successful lawyer who just sold their firm to not have a Prada backpack but it’s a small price to pay for her to be able to sleep again.